nervousnervousnervous.

Ever gone after a small goal, but when you actually finished it,
it felt a lot better than you'd first thought? nuff said.

Since grade nine, I've wanted to be in cafe night, or at least perform in something around the school. And for about the same amount of time, people, namely Glenn have been badgering me to do an act with them (actually not quite, i didn't really know Glenn as anyone more than "that cool guy in Geodude's class until a bit later. dumbjustin.). Well, I soon became an expert at dodging bullets, because for every year up until this one, the closest i've come to being in an act was falling out of my chair in the front row of the audience, all by myself, while waiting for friends, only to have a bunch of niner girls who i didn't know at all laugh their behinds off in my general direction. scarring.

I guess I was either too lazy or too scared, or a combination of both. No, I lied, i was just scared. I'm generally a lazy person but something as cool as being in a cafe night show would definitely be incentive enough to get up off my ass.

Seems like i'm scared of a lot of things in life, that's twice in a row i'm blogging about fear. i'mapansy.

It feels so rational to be scared of performing. All those bodies, all those eyes, all those stares, all those expectations all those disappointments. Of course the majority of us would rather not deal with these things. And i'm no odd one out, in fact, i get the butterflies a hundred times worse than the next person. That crippling paralysis is what has caused me to take a step back every year when the call for auditions is sent out. This year i had decided to break the chain. "I'll pick the most amazing song, i'll sing it amazingly, i'll rock at the guitar, and the crowd will love me."

iquitted.

I didn't do that. I didn't find any perfect song, i didn't practice the guitar to perfection and i was still too scared to even perform in front of my homemade audience comprised of various stuffed animals. So basically, i was headed in the direction of a fourth consecutive miss, and during my graduating year. Luckily i have Glenn. At first it took a great deal of nagging to even get a "maybe" out of me. But of course he got it, and he kept asking, and nagging until finally, i decided that i would break the chain. I was going to audition for cafe night.

The song was Tisbury Lane by Mae. I'd stumbled upon the song about a month or two earlier, and i loved it right from the start, so it seemed like the natural choice. Coincidentally, it was one of Glenn's favourites too. So we practiced it a couple of times, and signed ourselves up for the auditions. (I was vocals, and Glenn was guitar. whatwasithinkin)

First off: holycrap.

The auditions were in the drama room, a pretty big classroom with mini bleachers so that everyone is looking down at the center of the room, where the performers do their thang, there were about a quintillion people auditioning, and all the best singers in the school were there to perform an act. You can imagine just how all of those three things added up to make me feel like an insignificant pixel on a giant screen with darn good resolution. It was bad. I've already got a lot of experience with performances because of my piano studies, but somehow that hasn't made things any easier. My heart pounded so damn fast and heavy, it sounded like a war drum from a fantasy novel.

When it was our turn to perform, it was basically the same feelings but multiplied by a hundred. Things are always more scarier than they seem, and when you reach a certain point, the fear starts to evapourate, and you finally have control of your body again. As soon as i belted out that first off-key note, i realized there was no point in being scared any more, i might as well do what i need to do.

Glenn played amazingly. Me, no comment. I was adequate at best.

Now at the end of the whole auditioning process, i'd still be happy with myself even if i didn't make it into the actual cafe night program (and i wouldn't be surprised, there were some damn good performers. jealousjealous). That would just be a huge bonus. I finally, after four long years got over myself and put myself out there. I may have felt a little bit vulnerable, and stupid, but it's about time i make some changes, make some noise. (makeitloud)

wishmeluck?

Sung out while listening to: Hero/Heroine - Boys Like Girls.

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